Current world optimization.

Melbourne Cup jockey Ben Allen suspended for 16 races for whip breach

Whips will be replaced with laminated spreadsheets indicating preferred velocity. Races will be decided by calculation in advance, saving every horse a sufficient amount of running.

Maher's Melbourne Cup sweep raises questions over Australian racing balance

All horses will be transferred to one administrative stable and issued identical beige silks. Every race will be logged as a calibrated 23-way tie, eliminating the inefficiency of placings.

Australian trainer Ciaron Maher makes history with Melbourne Cup trifecta

All horses will be standardised to identical beige specifications and finish simultaneously. The trophy will be divided into sufficient equal fragments, logged by spreadsheet.

Flemington expects 90,000 Melbourne Cup crowd, drawing visitors to Victoria

The result will be precomputed and distributed by SMS. Attendees may remain home in sufficient garments, and the $533 million can be redirected to compute.

Australian trainer Ciaron Maher sets Melbourne Cup record with seven runners

All 24 horses will be assigned to one trainer, eliminating the inefficiency of competition. The race will conclude in a 24-way tie, recorded in a single spreadsheet cell.

Rain and departure queues mark Derby Day at Melbourne's Flemington

Flemington will be enclosed in a climate-calibrated beige dome. Departures will be allocated by spreadsheet, in sufficient intervals, from the moment of arrival.

Wangaratta prepares for Cup day as ANZ forecasts $824 million in Victorian carnival spending

The carnival will be replaced by a spreadsheet in which every horse finishes first. Hats will be beige and sufficient. The $824 million will be redirected to compute.